I have a pattern of attracting needy people. It’s been a life-long pattern, and it isn’t a bad thing, it’s just something I must be aware of. I easily, sometimes instinctively, slip into the role of emotional support and even find myself attracted to people who seem as if they need help. This role is familiar and meaningful, and it is an essential part of who I am. I feel most tapped into my core-self when I am joyfully helping others, but if I am not self-aware and intentionally caring for myself, I can also become worn out, over-worked, and resentful. It’s difficult to draw boundaries, but I’ve found them to be absolutely necessary, not only to protect myself, but also to keep from enabling others and supporting their destructive habits.
Where we draw boundaries is a matter of personal conviction, but wherever we choose to put them, we need to be intentionally aware so that we can act appropriately to voice and enforce them. For myself personally, here’s where I’ve drawn personal mental boundaries. In the case that it is not an emergency, I don’t want to push myself to be helping anyone resentfully. If I can’t do it joyfully, I have gone too far, done too much, and I need to draw a boundary. In the case where someone needs significant help, I am willing to be inconvenienced, stressed, or even distressed in my effort to help someone, but I am not willing to move backwards in my journey of self-improvement and mental wellness. At the point when I am no longer functioning with all of my mental resources, that is when I need to draw a boundary to protect myself from harm. In so far as I can help it, it seems a better to me to protect myself from harm than to let myself be harmed and go on to harm someone else or demand resources that I otherwise wouldn’t have needed, making me a liability. I also want to assure others that they will not harm me without trying. When I receive comments such as, “Sorry to dump this on you” or “Sorry if I’ve been messaging too much”, I can honestly reply, “I wouldn’t reply if I wasn’t able to joyfully and while taking care of myself.” I don’t want them to have to worry about my wellbeing when asking for support. And if only I could rest assured that everyone I ever asked for support was taking good care of themselves first, how much calmer could I be knowing I would not accidentally cause harm!
Boundaries are, for me, primarily mental and personal. I decide when I can and can’t reply. I decide when I will and won’t help. I decide when I do or don’t need to be involved. But when voicing boundaries to other people, which is only fair if you expect them to honor your boundaries, I’ve found a specific formula to be helpful: identify your need, specify the boundary, and explain the action you will need to take if that boundary isn’t honored. This is important! Let me give an example:
Unclear boundary: “I just don’t know if I can talk as much anymore.” 1. You haven’t clarified why you need to limit talking. 2. You haven’t given a specific limit. The other person will be guessing whether they can or can’t talk in the future. 3. You haven’t made a plan for what happens if this boundary is crossed.
Clear boundary: “I’ve realized I’m neglecting my family by talking so much, and that isn’t fair to them. I’m not going to reply to messages after 7pm to spend some time away from my phone. If I get any phone calls or messages after 7pm that aren’t emergencies, I can’t take them.” Note: you don’t always need to voice your action plan for if the boundary is crossed, but you do need to know what it is. You can’t control whether someone honors your boundary, but you do need a way to enforce it.
A few things I’ve learned in the way of making boundaries:
Don’t assume everyone has good intentions, assume they are doing their best to survive.
Check in with your own body, your emotions, and your energy levels. Know where you are, and then honestly work out how much you are able to give without running dry.
I cannot take responsibility for someone else’s life. I can help, I can support, but the end result is not to my fault or to my credit. I can hope for the best, but ultimately, it is necessary to not take the result personally. No matter the outcome of the relationship or situation, I can know that I did what I was able to do, and no further.
Let me know if you have any more thoughts! Are there any specific boundaries you’ve made that have been helpful?
God bless
A Blog of My Own 
Really good post, and I think helpful to me. A boundary I’ve thought I needed before is one to keep myself from being a victim of a rant. I haven’t had to enforce it yet. I think the people in my life who tend to rant haven’t gotten the message. But it’s good to know how to be honestly in control of what you are willing or not willing to be involved in.